So many days…hours, minutes, seconds between us. And that darn clock just seems to keep ticking. Filling then separating us with invisible but oh so tangible thing called time.An empty substance ever expanding in daily space.Marking the passing of each turn around the sun.Pushing your presence further away from this earthy home.
1095 days since I hugged you. Since I placed my ear to your lips, straining to hear your soft voice, only to have the word transform into a kiss. (What I think you truly wanted anyways).
Three years since a goodbye I didn’t want to give. Three years since you left gravities hold. Three years and still my heart aches for your presence.
Holidays are the best. The hardest.
The season when the presence of your absence is most loud.
When my heart pronouncedly aches for time at home with my “Dad”.
Aches for one of your bear hugs and duck voice “I love you”. For the OCD movements of you tinkering in your office and the sound of Oldies playing in the back ground. For the site of you organizing something in our house that most assuredly needed it. For the roar of your thundering voice yelling through the house at something. (Something that was usually mom or me).
Images of your focused attention flit through my mind. Your eyes pinned intently on any task before you. (Whether a job, hobby, art, family or friend, your attention was always undivided and solid.)
Methodical in your approach to life, love and art. Always deep in thought and execution. Always ready for connection on the deepest levels of the human heart.
Pain these days seemed wrapped in packet called lack.
Lack of new memories I cannot make with you. Lack of phone calls that cannot be had. Lack of meals eaten, experiences held, seasons shared. Lack of all the roles you held in my life and of future ones you’ll not be there for.
Turning my eyes to the past isn’t quite as painful as it was last year. For this I am grateful. I am grateful that as the time pushes its way between it cannot dampen the memories.
When my mind sees your disco dance moves in the kitchen…When it recalls childhood vacations (you suffering a horseback ride simply because your daughter asked). When I think about the hours you spent teaching me to play catch, shoot hoops, throw a punch… When I reminisce about nights I stood on your feet to dance and how that transformed to a Father/Daughter dance at the best wedding a girl would ask for…
These scenes play clear and crisp.
Details from each one bringing you back in such a real way. Each one a bridge through time.
Oh, I know you’re watching. Cheering us on with shouts of “Go MICKEY” & “YOU GOT THIS CONEY” are surly echoing throughout the heavens.
Your adventure has only just begun and this one without time. Without the tick tock of a time keeper counting down. Every room you enter a clock-less one. Every moment one of present, future & past combined in a forever state of now.
Just being with Him.
Fully seeing Glory.
Time may feel like it separates but what if it is pulling. Not a divide to disconnect but an exciting invitation to journey towards.
One day I will see you again Dad. One day I will feel the scruff of your hair as you hug me tight.
Will hear that duck voice crack jokes and bring laughter roaring in. Will see those dance moves and eat a hearty home cooked meal with you.
Till that day may time find me an adventurous companion. One un-afraid to answer her challenge and grasp every minute. One who knows that every tick is a gift. Not one stolen but GIVEN with the intention of being lived.
Fully present with all the emotions the human heart can feel. Present to hurt knowing Joy will always come. Present in pain but always looking for the healing. Present in the storm knowing PEACE is a person and He is here. Aware of my human limits but so very aware that HE has none.
Setting my heart roots deep in this truth that earth is my current home but will not always be.
And maybe, just maybe, when my time is done and my Father calls me home. When I see him face to face. Together we will look at this gift of earthly time and He will say “Well done, together we left it better.”
I know He said that to you Dad. I know you were welcomed home with a feast of finest food and best company. I can almost hear the endless chatter. The air as it filled with laughter and loud hellos as you reunited with all who went before.
I know you spend your days with our Father. Asking all the questions and conversing over unexpected answers.
The clock in my room continues to tick but the sound no longer brings a sadness.
It has reshaped, returning to what may have been the original intention. The beautiful sound of an exciting countdown. The sound of a challenge to spend this gift of life with wisdom. To lace every day with Love and run this race set before us hand in hand with the One who gave all and is in all.
The One you are with and the One who enables me to end this letter with deep and assured hope.
In Him I trust and I know you knowingly smile. Smile because you know this hope I speak of. You see Him face to face and cannot wait to share the view.
Love your favorite daughter,