I miss you. I miss you so much and this “missing” still hurts. It breaks through these crazy days when I remember your presence that always brought assurance, is no longer close. When I long to call you and listen to your never asked for yet always appreciated advice. 

You wouldn’t believe the year we’re having. Your daughter has lived through, is living through, a pandemic. Yes, like the movie. No, not like the black plague. It’s been a crazy year this 2020, and is proving to be impactful for sure but not in the ways we thought.

The word ‘unravelled’ comes to mind.  An unraveling of normal.

Loose strings unleashing chaos as the tight hold they once held comes undone. Instead of intertwined bundles, frayed strings group in tasseled gatherings and the things they once held together are strewn like clippings on the floor.

It’s messy, this unraveling. It’s messy in its process, a fact I know your detailed (lets be honest OCD) mind would cringe at. Almost like a tug on a twisted neckless chain that somehow looses the bond in accidental luck. But when this chain was loosed the reaction was not immediate relief.

Heavy seems to be the weight of the day. Turn on the news and not only are you bombarded with harsh headlines and downcast events but conflicting reports and biased opinions. Often I find myself not watching it at all, I even took a break from social media as I found myself unable to engage in conversation. 

Taking a step back has allowed me to soak.

To soak in the heavy-heart reality that this unraveling has revealed. 

To sift through the counterfeit and be ok not voicing personal opinions. Be ok with a back seat view. Maybe if more of us engaged in these type of conversations we would find that we will get there. We always “get there” but the who you’re with is more important than the bold sign or headline you read along the way.

For me this unraveling has forced me to face my own motives. To turn and examine personal beliefs. It has simmered unconscious truths to the surface of my mind and some were a shocking surprise. Some will not remain and though the uprooting of these has required the sharp point of a scalpel, it has been a process long overdue.

Mostly these days I find myself hungry for a heavenly perspective. How wonderful it must be to see it all from up there. To walk the white shores with our Creator and talk of kingdoms past and yet to come. To sit with the King and be part of a kingdom that doesn’t have two political parties. Talk with the One whose opinions are always right and tag lines never exaggerated. To know that every word from His mouth is true and trustworthy.

What is it like to watch the unraveling from there?

What is it like to sit with the One who sees all sides and chooses neither?

What is it like to be with the One who loves so well, whose actions are always perfectly just and true?

Does He mourn these days? Does He weep for the broken history of our Nation and the breaking that seems endless in its fracture?

Does He rise with strength and enter these broken places with power and justice?

What does He say?
What does He do?

How does He see it all and keep His heart so perfectly open?
How does He love so well?

There is so much pain, under the knot, beneath the mess we’ve made. So much hurt and mistrust. In so many ways we’ve missed it, Dad. Missed SEEING our brothers and sisters. Missed seeing our fellow human beings to the point that people protest to simply “matter.” Yes, people march for the basic significance of their worth and acknowledgment that their beautiful black life has not been valued as much as others.

Ill qualified to speak to these wounds, but I know you are with the One who can speak to them all. 

What is it like dad? Being where repair is not needed. Where worth is seen, people are valued and the need for reconciliation is no more? 

What is that like being above it all? With all who have gone before us, one body. United in unbreakable bonds. Inarguable value- known and shown. Acceptance intrinsic in each interaction. Unshakable in deed and thought.

Has the reality, THE reality, of life shifted your thoughts? Would you change how you vote, what you watch, how you speak if you came back?

We need some of that here Dad.
Truly we do.

Selfishly I’d settle for you.
To trade these crazy days for one more movie night.

For one more family dinner or phone call. The world is in chaos and yet selfish heart would settle for popcorn, Junior Mints and a cheesy sci-fi movie with you.

What a view you must have dad.
What sights and sounds that fill your mind. Imagination realized in the most beautiful of ways.

And what a crowd you must be a part of. A fantastic group of historical figures, known and unknown, gathered in glory.

Gathered in unified purpose, cheering us forward from the best perspective.

Waving us onwards, upwards, with continual enthusiasm because they know.

Because they have seen and that sight changes everything.

I long for the days we are together again. I can’t wait to have our family meals and invite Jesus to the best Italian feast He’s ever had. 

But while I am here, with the earthy time I have left, would you mind cheering a little louder. Send some of that heavenly perspective, and I hope that whenever you look down you find me running.

That you find your daughter running towards healing.
Running towards change.
Running towards love.
Running towards Heaven and hopefully leaving a little bit of Heaven behind her as she goes.

Happy Fathers day Dad,
Love your Mick-Mo

If you’d like to read more about my dad and me check out “Deep Waters”